Every year we all make and try to stick to whatever silly little resolutions that we inevitably cave in on before we get half way through the first six months. Hey, I’m no different than the rest of you and as a result I give in to the same bullshit each year. But this time it’s different and I’m making a new kind of resolution which I’m going to share with all of you.
Have you ever wondered how much the greeting card companies make? Birthdays, of which there are 365 during the year, account for more than half of their business, with the next big sellers being Christmas/Hanukkah and New Years. The different days and the many reasons given to go out and spend your money on pieces of paper and cardboard, some of which will even play your favorite melody, and still 99.99999% get tossed into the circular file will amaze you. If you send out greeting cards as do most people, you send out about two per month plus upwards of fifty during holiday seasons. At an average cost of three dollars per card you will easily spend over two hundred dollars per year, each and every year.
So, my resolution has been to devise a universal multi-purpose greeting card that can be used all year round for any occasion imaginable – and I have done just that. Absent from this card is the usual sentimental crap that most people don’t give a shit about. This all purpose card employs the check-off system and is really quite easy to use. To avail yourself of this time saving and money saving Universal All Purpose Greeting Card, all you have to do is to download and print out the sample below, reproduce it as many times as needed, even add to it if you so desire and use it to your heart’s content. And if you send out this Universal All Purpose Greeting Card via email, you’ll save even more.
I ask no remuneration for making this available to you. Just give me the credit should anyone inquire where you ever got such a stupid, screwball and insane idea.
UNIVERSAL ALL PURPOSE GREETING CARD
Here’s wishing you a
___Happy Birthday
___Happy belated Birthday
___Happy Anniversary
___Merry Christmas
___Good Hanukkah
___Happy New Year
___Ramadan Holiday
___Joyous Kwanzaa
___Wild St. Patrick’s Day
___Other____________
Congratulations on the new addition to your family
___Son
___Daughter
___Dog
___Cat
___Hamster
___Other__________
Congratulations on your new home
___House
___Condo
___Rental
___Dormitory
___Tent
___Other__________
Congratulations on your new means of transportation
___Car
___Motorcycle
___Moped
___Bicycle
___Pogo Stick
___Other__________
Congratulations on your new family event
___Marriage
___Divorce
___Separation
___Confirmation
___Circumcision
___Sex Change Operation
___Other___________
Congratulations on your new accomplishment
___Received your Driver’s License
___Graduated High School
___Got laid for the first time
___Graduated College
___Graduated Graduate School
___Graduated Medical___Dental___Law___School
___Passed the Medical___Dental___Finals___Bar Exam___
___Learned how to fly
___Learned how to use a parachute
___Came out of the closet
___Other__________
HAVE A GOOD ONE AND I’LL BE WRITING TO YOU NEXT YEAR.